Wall Ball Theatre

People often ask me “when did you know you were gay?” my response “when did you know you were straight?” There was never a part of my life that I questioned my sexuality. When boys were hiding under the steps of the jungle gym trying to get a peek up a little girls skirt, I was on top of the jungle gym looking at the boys laying there. It was kind of a vicious circle. Most of my friends growing up were girls. I was really never into anything that the boys were into….except wall ball. I would kill any one at wall ball.

Cut to second grade on the playground

“I think you are cheating….I’m telling!”

“What are you gonna tell? Teacher, teacher Jon is cheating at wall ball! How can I cheat…its throwing a ball against a wall…there are no cards to hide, there are no dice to rig, there are no chips to steal. I think you are an idiot!”

“I’m telling….you called me a word I don’t know”

“Yeah that will go over well….teacher, teacher Jon called me word I don’t know!”

“What was the word Jon?” the teacher would ask

“all I said is that he is worse than president Bush.” I would say

“well what were you doing?”

“accusing him of cheating.”

“well then…” that’s all she said, she then turned and I could hear her calling to another teacher “shit so I have a liberal pre-teen in my class!”

“HA HA I win again!” I would say before I stuck out my tongue and ran off to catch a glimpse of the cute little boys.

What people should ask me is when did you first get into theatre? I can talk forever about that. I didn’t want to be in theatre starting off. I wanted to be in a band. My father was in the Air Force rock band when I was a teen. They would do this “drug-free” show, when I look back at it I can’t believe how cheesy it was but I thought I was the shit.

“my dad is the drummer” I would tell a cute boy

“want to be my friend?” says the boy

“sure, but you have to give me something” I would get a new cute friend, and a new toy…kill two of those fucking birds with one stone!

Some of the best times of my life were sitting back stage at one of his concerts. They would always get a big celebrity to come in and do a cameo or what not. I met so many people that way: Reba, Brian Setser..but not his Orchestra, and L.L. Cool J…just to name a few.

*note- if you can name drop, do. It will only make you seem

cooler than you actually are.

I would sit on a speaker, or a really big fog machine, or anything I could and watch as my dad played his heart out for thousands of screaming kids.

“DRUG FREE…..WAY TO BE!”

I didn’t audition for my first real play until I was a Freshman in High school. I didn’t know I could sing until then. I remember going to auditions and singing the Alma Matter. The director stopped me and said

“where the hell did you come from?”

“I came from tabor middle school…sir” Since this was my 1st audition I didn’t know that most directors actually talk to you…I thought I would go in sing and read the next day that I didn’t make it into the show.

But I made it. I was the only freshman to make it into the one-act play that year. Evidently at my school no freshman has ever made it into One-Act since that kid that played Michael Jackson in the Jackson movie. You know…the one that they play on VH1 all the time. He plays the Michael that got his hair burned off.

Cut to the fist rehearsal for “Damn Yankees” (my first show)

“you must think you are tough shit eh freshman?” said the lead actor guy(he didn’t make it as a freshman)

“ummm….well no. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just sang”

“well here, I am the best. If you try to take anything away from me I will kill you.”

I have come to realize that theatre can be extremely vicious

“uhhhh….alright. I wouldn't take anything from you.”

“you got that right! I am better than you, there is nothing that you do that I can’t do 20 times better”

“I could kick your ass in wall ball”

I win. During the show that ass hole fell into the pit and broke his arm. I was the fist one to look in the pit and see him clutching his bleeding arm and crying.

“now can you beat me?”